Journal #3
Write and complete each of the sentences below.
Option 1- What I've learned about personal responsibility. By planning and reading all these things about personal responsibility, one thing that I learned is just how important personal responsibility is to changing habits that don't serve you. I definitely can get defensive when I feel vulnerable, and if I just don't want to do things, I'll often develop excuses that don't center on me, but on outside influences or factors. But really, deep down, I know that it's on me to change the habits. I'm hoping to use this knowledge to both become less defensive with people close to me when I feel like I'm being criticized (because I think they're often right!), and to establish some good habits (specifically exercising regularly). I often make excuses about the exercise piece because I'm tired, or busy, or whatever else, but really, if it's a priority for me I need to be responsible for those choices. I also find all the research really fascinating- I think that the idea that personal responsibility is aligned with success is interesting, and I'm wondering what it would be like in culture that values personal responsibility less- do they also define success differently? Or do they just find it more difficult to reach success?
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The result of the first scenario is that I rowed successfully and gained some confidence, and will be happily tackling that task again next summer. The result of the second is that I'm trying to stay more aware of when I'm feeling overwhelmed so that I can ask for help. In the short term, my husband stepped in, and reassured me that I can make mistakes, and that nothing bad will happen if I do. Long term, I feel like he and I are closer, and that we share a more equal burden of work in our family. Question 1: Review journal expectations from syllabus. (Accuracy/Completion, Specificity/Detail, In Depth)
Write about the areas on the self-assessment in which you had your highest scores. My highest scores were in Mastering Self-Management (66) and Believing in Myself (65). These were the only scores that were in the highest scoring category, which was a little surprising to me, because I generally feel like a pretty competent adult! However, I wasn't surprised that these were the highest. Self-Management has been a strength for pretty much my entire life. I remember as a child organizing my books into different categories until I found the system that was right for me. Now, as an adult, I operate on the philosophy of mise en place (a French cooking technique for preparing and measuring all ingredients before starting to cook). I try to do this in all things in my life. For example, when I'm prepping for my kids' bedtimes, I will adjust the lights and fans, get their rooms set up, lay out pajamas, and get everything set to make that part of my life run more smoothly. As a teacher, I make sure I have though-out lessons, all the resources I need, and that I've carefully planned for different contingencies. I'm good at setting up and modifying systems until they work for me. This score seems really accurate to me, and it's something I take pride in. Believing in Myself was the second highest score, which surprised me a little, but upon reflection, I think it's pretty accurate. I remember when I was a teenager, my mom would sometimes say to me, "I don't know where all this self-confidence comes from." I've always felt like I could do things that I set my mind and effort to. I'm guessing that this comes from building competence at an early age, and from having things that I was good at and recognized for at a young age. For example, I learned to read early at 3.5, and was always advanced in reading. This got me praise from teachers and my parents, and I suspect that early positive feedback helped me build a strong identity as "smart", which let me learn more skills, and the cycle continued to build. I also have been lucky to have a really supportive family, which I think is huge in instilling self-confidence at an early age. Interestingly, in some ways I think I've actually grown less confident as an adult in some ways, as I've grown more aware of my individual weaknesses, and less likely to take risks that could lead to growth. Write about the areas on the self-assessment in which you had your lowest scores. Explain why you think you scored lower in these areas than in others. My lowest scores were in Employing Interdependence (53), and Gaining Self-Awareness (59). The only surprise here was gaining self-awareness, because I generally think of myself as a very self-aware person. I try to keep tabs on who I am and who I am becoming. I developed this really early in life- I remember that when my parents got divorced when I was 12, my mom gave me a journal to write in to help me process feelings about the divorce. This became a habit I stuck with- I now have boxes of journals in my garage from 6th grade all the way through my early 20s. I've lost the habit, unfortunately, and this makes me wonder if I wouldn't benefit from starting again. I used my journals as a "dumping ground" of sorts, where I could just pour all my anxieties and thoughts in one place to get them out of my head. I don't totally agree with this score, but now, as an adult with a full time job and two small children, I wonder if I'm just too busy to allocate time to the self-reflection that helps build this awareness, and if I wouldn't benefit from carving out that time for myself. I am not at all surprised by the other low scores. I really struggle with asking for help, because it's really important to me to be seen as competent and on top of things. In times in my life when I've struggled, like when I was teaching a crazy and overwhelming schedule last year, I often cram all my difficulties down, and eventually break down in a semi-spectacular fashion (I remember sobbing in Libby's office fall semester last year when I hit my breaking point). This could totally be averted by asking for help more, but man, that's HARD. I also struggle with maintaining close friendships at this point in my life. I had an incredibly tight crew in college and the years after--we went to Burning Man together for many years, had studied together, and were really close. Then I moved away, and they moved away, and while I have good friends here, I've never found that sense of community that I had then. I think the biggest changes I'd like to make over the course of this semester are definitely in this area. I'd love to figure out how to carve out time to start journaling every night again, even if it's just a short entry. I think this could help with the self-awareness piece. Interdependence is another area to improve, but I'm not sure how here. I know that real lasting friendships and community are built on the backs of shared experiences, but my life is so busy right now that I'm not sure how to create time to have those experiences. I definitely want to work on asking for help when I first realize I need it (hey, maybe I'd realize it earlier if I started journaling more frequently), rather than waiting until I snap. People are always happy to offer it, and I need to remember that I don't judge others as less competent when they ask me for help, so why do I assume that they would judge me? To provide you with examples, and because the questions you are journaling about about offer opportunities for me to grow as well, I'll be keeping my own journal here to document my reflections and growth through the semester. Feel free to come here to read them!
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